Jukebox Hero

I have no musical talent. I can’t really carry a tune, I’ve never been adept at learning any musical instrument, and even explanations of music theory fall on my deaf ears.

And yet, I’ve always wanted to be a rock ‘n roll star. Often do I fantasize about being up on stage in front of millions, belting out a song and ripping through an awesome guitar riff, or sweetly plucking a tune for the adoration of that one special female fan.

So trust me when I say that I understand the urge to play air guitar when nobody is looking, the compulsion to pick up the nearest phallic symbol and pretend it’s a microphone. My wife laughs lovingly at my musical attempts, though my son groans in agony, and my baby girl just giggles without understanding the angst hidden deeply within her poor musically unfulfilled father. I do have a Weird Al Yankovic type flair for making up new song lyrics to somebody else’s catchy tune. Unfortunately, Weird Al has already cornered the goofy looking guy who makes up song parodies market.

So what is a guy like me to do? I mean, other than wallow in self-pity or hide inside a carefully constructed fantasy life? Well, a few years ago I bought a cheap electric guitar and practice amp, and though I’ve never really practiced, I do use it to serenade my wife with silly made up songs and the plucking of out-of-tune strings. And it looks cool in the corner of the living room.

I bought a keyboard for my son, who does have musical talent, and thought maybe I’d pick something up by osmosis. It turns out osmosis only works in theory.

So I am stuck with air guitar, or so I thought. Seems that some other musically frustrated geeks such as myself found a way around the problem. No, not Apple’s Garage Band, though I did dabble with that for a while. Instead, they took a couple of things that make no sense - like air guitar (I mean, come on, playing guitar out of air - how nonsensical is that?) and free time - combined it with the tantalizing free time killer we call video games, and gave birth to Guitar Hero.

Yes, music fans and wannabe superstars, a video game where the controller looks like a guitar, plays like a game pad, and makes absolutely no music at all. I know, it makes no sense! After all, what is it, really, but Dance Dance Revolution for the fingers?!?!? You don’t even get the calorie-burn advantage of Dance Dance Revolution. Sure, the game is filled with great classic rock songs, but so is my iPod.

And yet, it’s all that my son talks about since playing it at his cousin’s house. It’s all his cousin talks about. It’s all his cousin’s dad talks about.

Well, talk is contagious…

I still haven’t had a chance to play the game, but now it’s all I talk about. In fact, I convinced my wife to let us get a Wii for my son’s upcoming birthday after I saw that the new version of the game, Guitar Hero III, releases around the same time as the marking of his coming into the world. (Sidenote: Don’t even get me started on the Wii, which made completely no sense to me, became a huge phenomenon, I played once and now covet with a burning fire in my thumbs.)

So here I am, scouring the Net for a deal on a Wii, and putting in a pre-order for Guitar Hero III.

Won’t somebody please just stop the insanity?