(D)Unemployment - Part 2
So there I was, a victim of The Sweep…
Trapped in a room with 12 other unemployed people and one “Labor Service Representative,” I had just been told that to keep my unemployment insurance checks coming in, I would have to attend some workshops - workshops that strangely sounded like the Department of Labor’s way of justifying their bureaucratic budget and cushy jobs, while simultaneously scaring us away from collecting the very benefits our taxes purportedly support.
According to The Rep, we had each been “randomly chosen” because we fell into a certain criteria: people who had a history of long term employment who had recently been laid off who had then filed for unemployment insurance benefits.
You know, just the sort of people who need to be hassled about collecting unemployment after a life shattering event. I was to learn, however, that some people needed to be in that room, some people wanted to be in that room, and that some of us may very well have been part of a ruse to catch a couple of people in the room who did not fit the supposed criteria, but instead were the sort of people who should get caught up in The Sweep.
Meet the cast of characters:
- The Rep - known only by her business card, this Department of Labor employee could only tell us a few facts: we had to take some workshops to keep our checks coming, only the unemployment insurance benefits office could answer questions about unemployment insurance benefits and her division of the DOL was not the unemployment insurance division, and if we wanted to reach a live person at the benefits office then we should chose the “Change of Address” option from the voice menu and try to convince the person who picks up to connect us to a live person who would answer our questions.
- The Special Paper Woman - she wanted to be there; in fact she dressed believing it was an interview. She signed up for all of the workshops, but her real question was if she could use the Resource Center’s printer to print her resume on fancy textured paper. I bet when she was laid off, many people in her former office were relieved.
- The Sweat Suit Guy - did the Mafia recently downsize?
- The Flirt - she came dressed ready to put the charm on the Rep, thinking it would get her special treatment as it had in the past. Unfortunately, she hadn’t banked on the Rep being a 50 year old Jamaican woman.
- The Angry Woman - Still obviously bitter over being laid off and determined to change careers, she had questions that she wanted answered on the spot, and would not take the Rep’s “you need to discuss that with the unemployment insurance benefits division, which we are not, but you can press the change of address option to get a real human” as the final word on the matter.
- The Former Executive - after blithely - and rightly - announcing that none of the offered workshops would do him any good, he wrote a note on the form he handed in that the only thing he needed from the Department of Labor was the tiny percentage of the tax money he paid into unemployment insurance, thank you very much. He’s my hero.
- The Accountant - this is the person that I truly believe The Sweep should be designed for. This old guy was obviously gaming the system and was about to be caught because he was too stupid to keep his mouth shut and just sign up for a workshop. Seems old Accountant man only worked at H&R Block a few months a year during tax season and then collected unemployment insurance the rest of the year. Each and every year! Uh, excuse me, get a real accounting job. Or maybe some other kind of work to fill in the gap. You haven’t been laid off. You didn’t lose your job. You chose a job that only pays for four months out of twelve. Leave my tax money alone.
- The Comedian - yes, that would be me, cracking jokes to ease the tension, gain attention, and yet also explain what the Rep was trying to say to those who could not understand her accent or the completely evasive way in which she tried to explain that she didn’t chose you to be there so please just shut up, listen to my little speech and sign up for some workshops.
In the end, the only thing I learned from this little encounter with the Department of Labor is that I should find out how to get a soft and easy government job. After all, isn’t it time that my tax dollars finally got spent on me?
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TheWriteJerry @ August 22, 2007